AN ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION
(This could only happen with an Italian kid…)
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Maria Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her…’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My 2 lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you. ‘
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that, but you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
4 months vacation and five good leads.
By Ron "The Hammer" Williams, December 15, 2009 @ 9:45 am
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart
and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
By Ron "The Hammer" Williams, December 17, 2009 @ 6:53 am
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
By Ron "The Hammer" Williams, January 21, 2010 @ 7:57 am
I know that many of you have heard this and are supporters of this theory:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
t is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,’ and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and ‘7’ inches in your pants.’ After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: ‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, Sweden, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over $200 hundred million dollars in my bank account and ortfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’ Tiger
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘;Where have you been?’; his wife demanded.
‘;I can’t lie to you,’; he replied,
‘;I’;m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’;
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘;You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’
By Ron "The Hammer" Williams, July 28, 2010 @ 8:02 am
Along with the Bo Derek (scoring a 10), here are a few others:
Rock Hudson – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.
Saddam Hussein – from one bunker to another
Yasser Arafat – butt ugly and in the sand.
John Kennedy, Jr – didn’t quite make it over the water.
O.J. – got away with one.
Princess Grace – should have used a driver.
Princess di – shouldn’t have used a driver.
Condom – safe, but didn’t feel very good.
Brazilian – shaved the hole.
Rush Limbaugh – a little to the right.
Nancy Pelosi – Way left and out of bounds.
Ted Kennedy – goes in the water and jumps out.
Pee Wee Herman – too much wrist.
Sonny Bono – straight into the trees.
Paris Hilton – a very expensive hole.
Tiger Woods – wrong hole.
A couple of guys are standing around the water cooler Monday morning when one says, what’d you do this weekend? Dropped hooks in the water. Went Fishing eh? No Golfing
Golf Jokes | sscngolf | 16 April 2008 | 
By Dick Jarvis, April 16, 2008 @ 11:18 am
Letterman’s Top Ten Reasons why Golf Is Better Than Sex
#10 – A below par performance is considered damn good.
#9 – You can stop in the middle and have a cheeseburger and a couple of beers.
#8 – It’s much easier to find the sweet spot.
#7 – Foursomes are encouraged.
#6 – You can still make money doing it as a senior.
#5 – Three times a day is possible
#4 – Your partner doesn’t hire a lawyer if you do it with someone else.
#3 – If you live in Florida, you can do it almost every day.
#2 – You don’t have to cuddle with your partner when you’re finished.
and the #1 reason why Golf is better than Sex…
If your equipment gets old and rusty, you can replace it.
By sscngolf, June 20, 2008 @ 10:28 am
Garner is 90 years old. He’s played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
“That’s it,” he tells his 2nd wife. “I’m giving up golf. My eyesight has gotten so bad that once I’ve hit the ball I couldn’t see where it went.”
His 2nd wife sympathizes and makes him a cup of tea. As they sit down she says, “Why don’t you take my brother with you and give it one more try.”
“That’s no good” sighs Garner, “your brother’s a hundred and three. He can’t help.”
“He may be a hundred and three”, says the wife, “but his eyesight is perfect.”
So the next day Garner heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes a mighty swing and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law who is 103 & says, “Did you see the ball?”
“Of course I did!” replied the brother-in-law. “I have perfect eyesight”.
“Where did it go?” says Garner.
“I don’t remember.”
By Ron Williams, September 3, 2009 @ 9:56 am
Not a “golf” joke, but a still a good one:
AN ITALIAN BOY’S CONFESSION
(This could only happen with an Italian kid…)
‘Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl’.
The priest asks, ‘Is that you, little Joey Pagano ?’
‘Yes, Father, it is.’
‘And who was the girl you were with?’
‘I can’t tell you, Father, I don’t want to ruin her reputation’
Well, Joey, I’m sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now.
Was it Maria Minetti?’
‘I cannot say.’
‘Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?’
‘I’ll never tell.’
‘Was it Nina Capelli?’
‘I’m sorry, but I cannot name her…’
‘Was it Cathy Piriano?’
‘My 2 lips are sealed.’
‘Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?’
‘Please, Father, I cannot tell you. ‘
The priest sighs in frustration. ‘You’re very tight lipped, Joey Pagano, and I admire that, but you’ve sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself.’
Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, ‘What’d you get?’
4 months vacation and five good leads.
By Ron "The Hammer" Williams, December 15, 2009 @ 9:45 am
It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
turned in all their work and there is really nothing more to do. All the
children are restless and the teacher decides to have an early
dismissal.
Teacher: “Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
leave early today.”
Little Johnny says to himself “Good, I want to get outta here. I’m smart
and will answer the question.”
Teacher: “Who said ‘Four Score and Seven Years Ago’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, “Abraham Lincoln.”
Teacher: “That’s right Susie, you can go home.”
Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
Teacher: “Who said ‘I Have a Dream’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, “Martin Luther King.”
Teacher: “That’s right Mary, you can go.”
Johnny is even madder than before.
Teacher: “Who said ‘Ask not, what your country can do for you’?”
Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, “John F. Kennedy.”
Teacher: “That’s right Nancy, you may also leave.”
Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
questions.
When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, “I wish these bitches would
keep their mouths shut!”
The teacher turns around: “NOW WHO SAID THAT?”
Johnny: “TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?”
By Ron "The Hammer" Williams, December 17, 2009 @ 6:53 am
Twas the night of Thanksgiving and out of the house
Tiger Woods came a flyin’, chased by his spouse.
She wielded a nine iron and wasn’t too merry,
Cause a bimbo’s phone number was in his Blackberry.
He’d been cheatin’ on Elin, and the story progressed.
Woman after woman stepped up and confessed.
He’d been cheatin’ with Holly, and Jaimee, and Cori,
With Joselyn, and Kalika. The world had the story.
From the top of the Tour to the basement of blues,
Tiger’s sad sordid tale was all over the news.
With hostesses, waitresses, he had lots of sex,
When not in their pants, he was sendin’ them texts.
Despite all his cryin’ and beggin’ and pleadin’,
Tiger’s wife went investin’ — a new home in Sweden.
And I heard her exclaim from her white Escalade,
“If you’re gettin’ laid then I’m gettin’ paid.”
She’s not pouting, in fact, she is of jolly good cheer,
Her prenup made Christmas come early this year.
By Ron "The Hammer" Williams, January 21, 2010 @ 7:57 am
I know that many of you have heard this and are supporters of this theory:
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted,
t is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members! In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That’s why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
By Prairie Dog, January 22, 2010 @ 11:18 am
A man asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot to an unusually attractive woman sitting alone at a table in a cozy little restaurant. So the waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, ‘This is from the gentleman who is seated over there,’ and indicated the sender with a nod of his head. She stared at the wine cooly for a few seconds, not looking at the man, and then decided to send a reply to him by a note. The waiter, who was lingering nearby for a response, took the note
from her and conveyed it to the gentleman.
The note read: ‘For me to accept this bottle, you need to have a Mercedes in your garage, a million dollars in the bank and ‘7’ inches in your pants.’ After reading the note, the man decided to compose one of his own in return. He folded the note, handed it to the waiter and instructed him to deliver it to the lady. It read: ‘Just to let you know things aren’t always what they appear to be. I have a Ferrari Maranello, BMW Z8, Mercedes CL600, and a Porsche Turbo in my several garages. I have beautiful homes in Aspen, Miami, Sweden, and a 10,000 acre ranch in Louisiana. There is over $200 hundred million dollars in my bank account and ortfolio. But, not even for a woman as beautiful as you, would I cut off three inches. Just send the wine back.’ Tiger
By Larry, January 26, 2010 @ 10:13 am
Good one, Prairie Dog, we gotta have our principals.
By Velvet Hammer, July 17, 2010 @ 9:38 am
A married man was having an affair
with his secretary.
One day they went to her place
and made love all afternoon.
Exhausted, they fell asleep
and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed
and told his lover to take his shoes
outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.
‘;Where have you been?’; his wife demanded.
‘;I can’t lie to you,’; he replied,
‘;I’;m having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon.’;
She looked down at his shoes and said:
‘;You lying bastard!
You’ve been playing golf!’
By Ron "The Hammer" Williams, July 28, 2010 @ 8:02 am
Along with the Bo Derek (scoring a 10), here are a few others:
Rock Hudson – a putt that looked straight, but wasn’t.
Saddam Hussein – from one bunker to another
Yasser Arafat – butt ugly and in the sand.
John Kennedy, Jr – didn’t quite make it over the water.
O.J. – got away with one.
Princess Grace – should have used a driver.
Princess di – shouldn’t have used a driver.
Condom – safe, but didn’t feel very good.
Brazilian – shaved the hole.
Rush Limbaugh – a little to the right.
Nancy Pelosi – Way left and out of bounds.
Ted Kennedy – goes in the water and jumps out.
Pee Wee Herman – too much wrist.
Sonny Bono – straight into the trees.
Paris Hilton – a very expensive hole.
Tiger Woods – wrong hole.
By Sandbager, March 8, 2016 @ 8:08 am
A couple of guys are standing around the water cooler Monday morning when one says, what’d you do this weekend? Dropped hooks in the water. Went Fishing eh? No Golfing